“We do not
take the time to listen. We keep quiet while we look for arguments!” commented
an executive in one of our sessions.
Unfortunate
as this comment might be, it only reflects the reality we live in. We all
recognize the importance of listening and how great a leadership skill it is.
It would be difficult to find a person in business who would not stress how
vital listening is.
We only
listen for a pause when we can talk!
Unfortunately,
it is also very rare to find a good listener. The way this usually works is as
follows:
- We
start talking to someone with the good intention of really listening. We really
focus on the other person and do our best to concentrate on what they say.
- Then
we hear something that really catches our attention. Maybe we do have a strong
opinion on it, either for or against; or maybe a funny story to tell about it.
- This
is when our brain starts thinking about what we want to say and we only listen
for a pause when we can talk and tell our story.
Our good
intentions go out of the window, together with our effective listening.
Improve your
listening skills in three areas
To help
improve our listening skills, there are three areas to focus on:
1. Listen to what is being said. Do not think about possible answers and keep
your mind empty. Listening is an active process. This means you have to actively focus on what is being said
and actively work on stopping all the other stories going on in your head.
2. Listen to understand, not to respond. Suspend all possible judgment about what is being said
and switch on your curiosity to really
understand the other person.
3. Listen to what is not being said. This really is the golden nugget. Do look out
for pauses in the conversation, tone of voice, eye movement, gestures, etc.
Usually some very important stuff remains unsaid.
Tips on how
to improve your listening skills
As in any
coaching session, the question now would be: how can I put this into practice?
Here are
two good and simple exercises to help you sharpen your listening skills:
-
- Sharpen your non-verbal communication
skills – “listen with your eyes”
o
Watch
groups of people from far away and try to “follow their conversations” and
interactions. The way to do this is: go to a coffee shop and sit where you can
see a group of people and cannot hear them. Watch them talk and work out the
different interactions, who supports whom, who is against whom, who is engaged,
who is bored, who has switched off. Watch TV with the voice switched off and do
the same exercise as above. This also works if you watch a movie in a language
you do not understand. This way you practice to get the message with your eyes.
- Be strong remaining silent – Use
your will power
o
Whenever
you catch yourself wanting to tell your story instead of keeping focused on
your counterpart just keep your mouth shut. Sounds bold, when we write this,
but in reality that’s the way it works. You could make it a sport by counting
the times you couldn’t resist and interrupted your counterpart as well as
remaining silent. See which side wins…and work on your personal area for
improvement.
Gravitas, not simple power!
With our
clients we often discuss the pro and cons of listening and waiting for the
right time for action in a meeting or conversation. It’s about the fear or risk
of losing authority if you don’t interrupt others and demonstrate your power.
In our opinion authority comes from gravitas – and for gravitas you need to
listen to others for clearly understanding their agenda. Then you have the
chance to stir the conversation in the direction you want it.
